Today, I would like to share one of my favourite therapy exercises with you, one that can insha’Allah reveal what’s most important to us and help us feel more aligned: the values exercise.
During this exercise, I invite clients to imagine that they have returned to Allah ﷻ.
Of course, this is something that every one of us will eventually experience. Allah ﷻ reminds us:
“Every soul will taste death, then to Us you will be returned.”
(Qur’an 29:57)
[May He take us back to Him when He is most satisfied with us and grant us Jannatul-firdaus, ameen].
I then ask clients to imagine a person who was close to them, not anyone in particular, but an individual who would have known them well, who had witnessed their life, their struggles, their relationships, their character, and the way they treated others.
Now, imagine this person having a conversation with someone else about you:
What would you want them to say about who you were, your character, the way you treated others, the way you lived your life?
This question often causes sisters to pause.
A common first response is:
“I don’t know.”
And that makes perfect sense; this is hardly a scenario that would spontaneously cross our minds.
But as we reflect on this question further, something important emerges: our values.
For example, if we respond that we would want this close person to describe us as someone who was ‘kind’, then this points to ‘kindness’ as a value of ours.
Sometimes, we may find that the outcome of the exercise is less specific.
We may come up with things like:
- “I want to be remembered as a good person.”
- “A good Muslim.”
- “A good sister.”
- “A good mother.”
- If that happens, don’t stop there.
- Ask yourself things like:
- “What does being a good mother mean to me?”
- “What qualities characterize a good Muslim?”
Values are not the same as goals.
And this distinction is important.
A goal is something you can achieve and eventually cross off your list.
- You can graduate.
- You can buy a car.
- You can complete a project.
But you will never reach a point where you can say:
“I’ve finally achieved kindness. I’m done.”
The moment you do, the value loses its meaning because a value is a direction rather than a destination.
When we do this exercise, we may find that the values we have aren’t the ones we’re actually living by. When we’re going through a tough time, for instance, it can be hard to embody our values. At the same time, the discomfort we feel in our lives may partly come from that gap between what matters to us and how we are actually living.
Through completing this exercise, we may perhaps uncover that we value compassion, but also that we’re extremely harsh toward ourselves.
Perhaps we’ll realize how much we value pleasing Allah ﷻ, Alhamdulillah, but also spend a lot of time and energy worrying about pleasing others in a way that goes against His commands.
When you try this exercise for yourself, you may find out that you come up with a long list of values. If you do, choose three values that feel most important to you right now. These three values can become your compass.
Then think of a specific situation in your life where you have been struggling.
Ask yourself:
- What thoughts and behaviours move me toward my values in this situation?
- What could I think, say, or do that would help me embody them when I am going through this struggle?
Then ask:
- What thoughts and behaviours move me away from my values?
- What patterns might I want to reduce, challenge, or avoid?
If what I have said is correct, it is from Allah ﷻ; and if it is wrong, then it is from myself and Shayṭān.
As Salaam Aleykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatouh.