Growing up in a culture where achievement and performance are highly valued, I became accustomed to comparing myself to others.
Over time, comparison became almost automatic.
Looking back, I notice that this tendency was particularly strong during periods when my mental health was at its lowest.
Recently, I caught myself doing it again. My chronic back pain has been worse lately, and I have needed more rest than usual. At one point, I started noticing feelings of frustration and sadness, and the thought:
“Other people can manage just fine. I should be able to do so too”.
Most of us have heard the advice: ‘stop comparing yourself to others’.
And intellectually, we all understand why comparison can be harmful.
But knowing that a habit is unhelpful does not necessarily make the habit disappear.
An exercise that can help us to better grasp what causes us to continue engaging in a detrimental habit, and to make a more informed and firmer decision to let go of it, insha’Allah, is called the ‘triple paradox’.
The triple paradox does not usually result in giving up a harmful habit when used on its own, but it can move us much closer to this objective, insha’Allah.
As its name indicates, the triple paradox is a paradoxical method. TEAM-CBT has a number of paradoxical techniques; they seem counter-intuitive at first, but, in the case of the triple paradox for example, they serve as a powerful tool for increased self-compassion and intentionality.
When using the triple paradox, instead of looking at all the good reasons to stop comparing ourselves to others, we instead list the good reasons to continue the habit. This might seem strange when this habit is something we genuinely want to change. But there is an important reason for doing this; sometimes a habit that causes us difficulties is also trying to accomplish something for us.
For example, a good reason to continue comparing ourselves is perhaps that comparison has sometimes motivated us to work harder toward our goals.
Recognizing this motivating effect is important to better comprehend why we may have been holding on to comparing ourselves to others.
The second step of the triple paradox technique is actually to continue exploring the first point, albeit from a slightly different perspective. Rather than thinking of the good reasons to continue a habit, we want to look at the bad reasons to let go of the habit, which is essentially the same thing but worded differently:
Maybe we fear that if we stop comparing ourselves to others, we will stop striving to improve ourselves and our conditions, and ultimately ‘miss out’. Perhaps we are scared that we won’t pursue certain opportunities, which may then negatively impact us and those around us.
(As an important side note, I would like to point out that, while I have heard versions of this concern from Muslim women, and have experienced it myself, there is an inherent fallacy here; while we can make the choice to pursue an opportunity, the outcome of our efforts is in Allah ﷻ’s control alone).
The third and final component of the triple paradox is this question: “What does wanting to keep this habit say about what is beautiful about us? How does the desire to keep this habit illustrate our qualities, our strengths, our spiritual values and principles?”
If comparing ourselves to others reflects a desire to work hard and not give up, perhaps that tells us that we:
are hopeful
value growth
want to be useful to the people we love
genuinely want to become a better version of ourselves
care about our loved ones and want to do what we can to contribute to their well-being
and wish to take responsibility, which is an important Islamic principle.
Anas bin Malik narrated that a man said:
“O Messenger of Allah! Shall I tie it and rely(upon Allah), or leave it loose and rely(upon Allah)?” He said: “Tie it and rely(upon Allah).
Reference: Jami’ at-Tirmidhi 2517
All the steps of the triple paradox have an important purpose, but I particularly like the third one. When we are struggling to change a harmful habit, we may look down on ourselves in a way that makes change more difficult: we may start labelling ourselves as ‘weak’, ‘incapable’, ‘defective’ (you may read my blog post about why labelling is harmful, here). The last step of the exercise helps us see that our unwanted habits actually reflect in a way the beautiful parts of our personality and our morality.
I usually follow the triple paradox with another TEAM-CBT technique called ‘externalization of resistance’, which involves a role-play designed to bring the internal conflict to life. It is one of my favourite TEAM-CBT techniques, and one that my clients often find particularly powerful. I believe its effectiveness lies in part in helping us separate detrimental habits from their functions and from our inner qualities, strengths, values and principles. We can then begin to explore how we can pursue our goals in a way that aligns with these qualities, strengths, values and principles, yet is healthy and does not involve engaging in habits that harm us.
If there is a habit that you would like to get rid of, I hope the triple paradox exercise helps you move closer to your goal with increased insight and self-empathy, insha’Allah.
May Allah ﷻ help us distinguish between striving and striving against ourselves, between taking the means and trying to control the outcome. May He grant us the wisdom to use the strengths He has given us in ways that bring us closer to Him.
If what I have said is correct, it is from Allah ﷻ; and if it is wrong, then it is from myself and Shayṭān.
As Salaam Aleykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatouh.