A couple of weeks ago, I signed up for a training on the menstrual cycle in therapy. It had been sitting on my to-do list for a while, and Alhamdulillah, I finally found the time to watch it last Thursday. This training completely changed the direction of this blog!
At one point, the psychologist leading the training spoke about something many of us can relate to, and something I was experiencing quite profoundly myself in that very moment: premenstrual irritability and anger.
Neurobiologically (and Allah ﷻ knows best), during the pre-menstrual phase, there are initially higher progesterone levels and lower estrogen levels in our brains. Both hormones then decline at the end of this stage.
This pre-menstrual phase may therefore be characterized by lower mood, decreased energy, reduced ability to regulate our emotions and, the subject of this blog, increased irritability and anger.
In addition, it is not always just the anger itself. It is everything we feel about our anger.
Perhaps we feel ashamed of ourselves for becoming irritated over something that would not normally bother us.
Perhaps we feel discouraged because we thought we had made progress in managing our emotions.
Perhaps we feel helpless because, despite our best efforts, we cannot seem to regulate our reactions as well as we would like.
We become angry with ourselves for being angry in the first place.
Before we know it, we are no longer dealing with one emotion, but several layers of emotions that can feel overwhelming.
At the same time, although these emotions are painful and we would want to work on reducing or getting rid of them eventually, they are quite beautiful; they each have their own nuances, yet there is a thread that connects all of them, which is the fact that they reflect our sincere desire to do better, even when that feels overwhelmingly difficult.
One of the ideas that deeply resonated with me during the training was the perspective of viewing premenstrual irritability and anger as enlightening. When our irritability increases, we may find ourselves reacting more strongly to situations that we would ordinarily brush aside.
Perhaps we feel particularly frustrated when someone disregards our needs.
Perhaps we notice resentment building around things we have been carrying for too long.
Or perhaps we become more sensitive to situations in which we feel unheard, unsupported, or stretched beyond our capacity.
Outside of our premenstrual phase, we might move through our days without paying much attention to these feelings. When they become more intense, however, they may be harder to ignore.
And this is where we can approach our experience with curiosity rather than judgment.
Instead of asking ourselves, “What is wrong with me? Why am I getting so angry again?” we might gently ask:
What might this anger be drawing my attention to?
Is there an unmet need, an unresolved concern, or a boundary I need to consider?
Am I expecting more of myself than I realistically have the capacity to give right now?
Is there something I need to address, or might I simply need rest, nourishment, and a little more patience with myself?
We trust in Allah’s decree and that all tests are given to us for a reason that serves us, but at times we may miss the immediate benefits of these tests and subhan’Allah, I had never thought of pre-menstrual anger specifically as a way to gain beneficial insight, before.
And how beautiful it is that after this pre-menstrual phase, which affords us the opportunity of increased insight, comes menstruation. For some of us, menstruation comes with pain, fatigue, or lower energy. This may not be the ideal time to make significant decisions or tackle difficult conversations. But insha’Allah, it can give us the opportunity to prepare spiritually for taking meaningful action:
While we cannot make Salah during our menses, there is not only therefore more time for duaa but perhaps also the opportunity for more intentional duaa by, insha’Allah, using the clarity we acquired from any pre-menstrual anger we may have experienced. We might ask Allah ﷻ to help us recognize what needs to change and guide our responses to that anger.
Going through menstruation can help us remember to lean on other ways to connect with Allah ﷻ, such as Dhikr. Subhan’Allah, we can remember Allah ﷻ while driving, walking, preparing meals, completing household chores, etc. Insha’Allah, this can be a moment to cultivate sustainable habits of remembrance that will insha’Allah remain part of our everyday lives long after our period ends.
This can be a time to gently train ourselves to wake up for Tahajjud if it’s something we had been struggling with. During our menses, our focus would be on waking up during that last third of the night, and making duaa even if we do so from our beds :
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) said, “Our Lord, the Blessed, the Superior, comes every night down on the nearest Heaven to us when the last third of the night remains, saying: “Is there anyone to invoke Me, so that I may respond to invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me, so that I may grant him his request? Is there anyone seeking My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?”
Reference: Sahi al-Bukhari 1145
If what I have said is correct, it is from Allah ﷻ; and if it is wrong, then it is from myself and Shayṭān.
As Salaam Aleykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatouh.