I don’t particularly like to admit this, but when I reverted to Islam, it wasn’t the very real possibility of experiencing Islamophobic attacks that made my journey particularly difficult.
It was people-pleasing.
More specifically, it was the fear that people would simply like me less because I was now Muslim, even if may they never or only subtly show it.
People-pleasing usually starts developing in childhood. We learn that our emotions or likes may upset those around us, and that “keeping people happy” makes our relationships safe. We therefore become vigilant about other people’s reactions, and learn to ignore our own needs to make room for others’. We experience guilt for saying “no”, and eventually our sense of worth becomes dependent on whether we are perceived as good, helpful, or agreeable by others.
And this can have addtional consequences.
People-pleasing can contribute to low self-esteem, excessive self-doubt, difficulty making decisions, difficulty asserting our needs, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
Alhamdulillah, Islam gave me a framework that eventually helped me challenge this pattern.
Growing up, I understood a Muslim to be someone who “believes.”
It wasn’t until years later that I learned something that profoundly changed the way I understood our relationship with Allah ﷻ: that being Muslim is to submit to Allah ﷻ.
And as I progressed in my journey, I began encountering more and more situations in which submitting to Allah ﷻ and pleasing people were incompatible; doing what pleases Allah ﷻ often meant that someone else would not be pleased with me.
Alhamdulillah, this awareness is what helped me overcome my people-pleasing tendencies.
When pleasing Allah ﷻ and pleasing people come into conflict, there really should be no difficult choice to make.
A Sahih hadith says:
It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbas (رضي الله عنه) that he narrated that he rode behind the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) one day, and the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to him:”O boy, I will teach you some words: be mindful of Allah and Allah will take care of you; be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you; if you ask, ask of Allah, and if you seek help, seek help from Allah: and understand that if the nation were to come together to benefit you, they could not benefit you with anything but that which Allah has already decreed for you, and if they were to come together to harm you, they could not harm you with anything but that which Allah has already decreed for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.”
Musnad Ahmad 2669
Arabic/English book : Book 25, Hadith 2669
This hadith teaches us that people can like us or dislike us. They can approve or disapprove of us. They can be pleased with or disappointed in us. But ultimately, they do not control what Allah ﷻ has decreed for us.
Of course, understanding this intellectually did not make my people-pleasing tendencies disappear overnight.
I first had to become aware of and work on the beliefs underneath them: the belief that my worth was somehow tied to what people thought of me, and the belief that failing to accommodate others would make me unsafe.
I had to learn to recognize the anxiety and guilt that arose when I considered potentially displeasing others, and resist automatically treating those feelings as proof that I was doing something wrong.
However, real change began when I started using the pursuit of Allah ﷻ’s pleasure as my yardstick for the choices I made, rather than the pursuit of other people’s approval.
Instead of asking myself:
“What will they think of me?”,
I began asking:
“What is pleasing to Allah ﷻ?”
Instead of:
“Will they be upset if I say no?”,
I began asking:
“Is saying yes consistent with what Allah ﷻ has asked of me?”
The more I intentionally sought Allah ﷻ’s pleasure, the easier that choice became.
And because ways of pleasing Allah ﷻ are clearly laid out in the Qur’an and Sunnah, the second-guessing and lack of self-confidence that are so characteristic of people-pleasing lessened.
I still have moments when I notice the old tendency resurfacing. Growth does not necessarily mean that an old pattern never comes back. Sometimes it means that we recognize it sooner, understand what is happening, and choose differently.
May Allah ﷻ make us people who seek His pleasure above the approval of His creation, give us the courage to stand firmly upon what is right, and free our hearts from the need to be validated by othersn when this goes against what pleases Him. Ameen.
If what I have said is correct, it is from Allah ﷻ; and if it is wrong, then it is from myself and Shayṭān.
As Salaam Aleykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatouh.