This week, I allowed myself to get drawn into an online debate about the deen on a public platform.
At the time, my household was preparing to welcome a beloved family member, so my time was already limited. Yet, instead of focusing on my priorities, I found myself repeatedly returning to this online discussion, investing far more time and emotional energy than I should have.
When I finally stepped away, I did what I often encourage my clients to do: I paused, examined my emotions, and wrote down the thoughts that were driving them. I noticed that I was feeling both anxious and irritated.
The anxiety came from thoughts such as:
“If I don’t explain my points clearly enough, people reading this discussion may be influenced by the other side and be misled.”
The irritation came from thoughts like:
“I’m speaking the truth, so the people I’m debating with should agree with me.”
As I’ve written about before, the thoughts that give rise to our unpleasant emotions are often distorted in some way. They may involve fortune-telling, “should” statements, thought action-fusion or other thinking errors that make us feel worse than the situation itself warrants. At the same time, these thoughts often reveal something meaningful about us. They point to our values, our character, and the things we genuinely care about. For example, although my anxious thought involved an element of fortune-telling, I would not have felt anxious in the first place if I hadn’t sincerely cared about other people and hoped they would be guided to the truth. A more balanced thought might have been:
“It would be ideal if I could explain my points clearly, and I will do my best to do so. But ultimately, I am not responsible for other people’s choices. Guidance belongs to Allah ﷻ.”
During my introspection, I discovered a thought that was even less aligned and that had been operating beneath the surface. This thought was: “I should not lose this debate, or I will come off as weak and unintelligent”. Somewhere during the discussion, and outside my conscious awareness at the time, I had shifted from centring the truth to centring my own ego. Looking back, I strongly suspect that this concern was also influencing how I interacted, even if I wasn’t fully aware of it at the time. Yet,
Allah ﷻ says:
“The ˹true˺ servants of the Most Compassionate are those who walk on the earth humbly, and when the foolish address them ˹improperly˺, they only respond with peace.” (Qur’an 25:63)
This experience reminded me that genuine self-awareness often begins with something surprisingly simple: slowing down long enough to identify, name, and write down the emotions and thoughts we are experiencing. Without taking that pause, we can easily begin acting in ways that conflict with the very values we want to uphold, all without realizing it.
Once our thoughts are on paper, they become much easier to examine. We can challenge the distortions they contain, recognize the values they reveal, and become aware of motives that may have been hidden from us moments earlier.
Only then are we able to respond intentionally rather than react automatically.
Sure, as was the case for me, we sometimes only gain that insight after the situation has already passed. But insha’Allah, that reflection will make us more aware, the next time we find ourselves in a similar circumstance.
If what I have said is correct, it is from Allah ﷻ; and if it is wrong, then it is from myself and Shayṭān.
As Salaam Aleykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatouh.